Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
