If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
