There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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