you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
