I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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