You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
