My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
