I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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