i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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