My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
