before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
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