What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
