My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
