you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
