I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
