Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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