I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
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He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
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At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize