There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
