By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
