apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
