I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
