Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
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Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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