Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
