I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
