There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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