I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I feel great
I just peed on a car
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
