watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
there is glitter all over my balls
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
