Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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