I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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