I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
