My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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