Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
