i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
