I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
