I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
