well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
