it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
