My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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