I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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