What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
