True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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