i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
