so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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