I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
