and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
