The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
