Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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