Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
