Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I came so hard my ears popped.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
