I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
