You just made me feel so damn special
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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