Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
