the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
