so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
