She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
