I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
