If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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