How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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