How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
